Originally from Winter 2019
I sit here in my room looking out the window as I watch the snow continue to fall and I think to myself just how much I truly dislike doing nothing. Isn’t that funny that the art of just being, feels like doing nothing? Did you know that it actually takes a lot to do nothing and just be? Hehehe, I never realized it, but there is much to the simplicity of just being for someone who is not used to doing it. And just how anxiety provoking is the simple task of doing nothing one might ask? Well I guess that depends on the person being asked the question and whether said person was like me, a workaholic and overachiever.
I have been an overachiever since I was a little girl and I realized at a young age that in order to make myself stand out I had to shine in some way. I was overweight, boisterous and always willing to tell someone the truth, and yet I realized that these traits were not ones that others appreciated in me. I had to learn at a very young age to wear masks and hide my truest self for fear that she wouldn’t be accepted as she was.
This lead me to eventually procrastinate, as when I allowed my overachiever side out, I would be done before anyone else and still get the good grades, but then be known as a goody two-shoes. I found that even when I procrastinated, I still got good grades, so this lead me down the path of being known as a procrastinator instead of a goody two-shoes. I always impressed people with how amazing my work was even when I waited until hours before to finish it. I never realized that doing this was actually causing me such anxiety and depression due to the fact that I HATED waiting until the last minute, it never allowed me the time to spend with my daughter spontaneously or anything else. However I couldn’t seem to stop myself from doing it and eventually it became so bad that it was starting to affect my life in ways that I had never expected. I was unable to get ahead in my career and felt stagnant, and yet didn’t realize that I was the reason why this was happening.
For the last decade I assumed that the harder I worked the better I was, the more advanced I would become and eventually I would “grow up” and grow out of being a procrastinator. I found this was not the case and in fact it shifted to something even worse, I became a workaholic. I truly believed that if I could just “do more, faster” that I would become better. I even found that I started turning to cocaine (an easy shift as I had been using other drugs for years to allow myself to “feel alive”) to help me produce more, better and faster. What I didn’t realize is the toll this would take on my body, mind, and soul.
Six years ago I found that I had literally worked my body to death. I became so focused on having the perfect body, the perfect life, in BEING Perfect, that I never saw the damage it was causing me. I had realized in January 2012 that I had to get sober and get out of the lifestyle I had been living since graduating high school in 2000, so I kicked the drugs cold-turkey and started on my journey to health and wellness. I had worked so much and for so long that I didn’t even think about what it had done to my immune system and then suddenly one day I was so sick both physically and mentally that I couldn’t get out of bed. I had started to see a therapist and was working on my mental health, however I found myself in the hospital in December 2013 after coming back from a cruise and that’s when I found out that I had the Noro-Virus. I was also dealing with an intestinal parasite which was draining me of my health.
I didn’t realize though just how far I had fallen down the hole I was in and it would take me another 4 years before I awoke to the fact that this being human is comprised of several pieces that require balance in order to truly live as an Enlightened Being. In June of 2014 I was part of a car accident that left me with a brain injury and having to come back from the loss of the life I had lived up to that point. Thankfully I had support in my life that allowed me the strength to recover. And that is a post for another day.
Through all the things that I have gone through in the last 6 years, that which I have come to understand has been the most life changing and profound is to realize that I am a Spiritual Entity living in this body and having a Human Experience.
I just came back from a week of some of the most transformational work in my entire life and while I am not always able to just be, I find that it is easier now than it has been in the past. I am now able to have a level of awareness and presence that I had not previously had. I can sit here in my room and realize that its ok to be doing nothing, to just be present and aware of that which is going on around me. This presence is what truly allows and facilitates the growth in my life that I have desired for so long. Being is a state of allowing and knowing that everything is ok, that everything is coming in its divine time and that is what Being Human is, allowing yourself the opportunity to be present and aware in life, to live in the moments and just be. I realize when I get caught up in everything else, that I forget to BE.
The life I truly desire will come to me in due time, as long as I am present and allow the magick to happen. I realize that we are programmed to lose touch with the magick, with love and with the universal energy that we ALL possess. I realize now that I am ok with BEing, because when I AM, thats when all the really yummy bits of life come about and I get to truly enjoy this experience.
Til next time.
Love and Light,Shandra